Bus a Move

For as long as I can remember, I've taken public transportation.  It's been an integral part of my life and I've used it more times than I can even remember to get me from point A to point B.  

Actually, I'm lying.  I fucking hate the bus.  I would never ride the bus and I avoid getting on them as often as is humanly possible.  I'm not an idiot people.  Seriously.  I dread the bus and I could probably count the number of times I've ever taken public transportation on two hands.  Maybe two hands plus my penis, which is to say, no more than thirteen times.  I should probably see a doctor.

I can't tell you how many horror stories I've heard of all the crazies that enjoy riding buses.  And I can guarantee that some of the craziest shit I've heard can't compare to so many other things that have probably happened on the bus.  A friend of mine has witnessed multiple hostile situations.  Two drunk guys arguing, I think a Chinese lady got punched in the back of the head another time, creepy assholes constantly trying to hit on any women on the bus that appear to be breathing, etc.  It just sounds awful.

Another friend of mine in Canada witnessed a man whip out his dangle and start having himself some "me" time in front of everyone.  Wow.  What do you even say to that?

It's after hearing stories like this that make me think "why the fuck would anyone willingly take the bus?"  Granted, it's cheaper and better for the environment than driving, but save for all of those logical reasons, it's dumb.  Crazy dumb.  Get a car, or ask me for a ride.  Hell, ask a stranger for a ride.  Some guy did that to me once.  On what would later become the scariest night of my life, I gave a crackhead a forty-five minute car ride around Portland.  You see?  I'm not safe even in my own fucking car!  How crazy is that?  But at least the crazies approach me less frequently than if I were to take the bus.  And I no longer pick up crackheads.  

I don't really even know what my point is.  Maybe just that I hate the bus and I don't think anyone should have to ride it if they know someone with a car.  Seriously, if you live near me and need a ride anywhere, just ask.  I'll probably say no and laugh, but at least you tried.

One last story before I go.  When I was taking the subway in Washington D.C. years back, I saw a crazy man get on.  He waited until the the train started moving and then proceeded to have a very heated argument with what appeared to be the door.  What I'm trying to say is that he was by himself and he was arguing.  That's fine, I don't have a problem with that.  And it was pretty entertaining to watch.  What I found to be funny though was when a little Chinese man got on the train a few stops later.  He got on, opened up his Bible and started loudly singing Christmas carols.  Everyone just pretended to ignore him.  Everyone except for the crazy guy who stopped his conversation with himself just long enough to turn and look at the Chinese man.  He then shook his head in disapproval.  Like it was the caroler who was fucking crazy!?  How's that for perspective?

People are weird.  And buses suck balls.

- The Bean