Oh My God I Suck at Life

So I went to a job interview about a month ago.  It was pretty standard and went fine.  The woman wasn't really listening to any of my answers, so I felt good about that.  But as I'm leaving, after receiving the weakest handshake of my adult life, I turn to walk out the front door followed by three random people.  Two dudes that appeared to be good friends, and a woman with a two year old that was doing her own thing.

I'm turning to leave and start to hold the door for these people.  While doing this I catch a glimpse of one of the guys who throws me a polite smile as he's chatting with his buddy, and I'm pretty positive I recognize him as a guy I used to work with that I probably haven't seen in a year.  So my brain starts working overtime arguing against itself that this is in fact someone I know, but then again, no it's totally not.  It looks exactly like him, plus the smile and the cock-back of the head as if to say slyly "What's up man?  Long time no see" are dead giveaways.  The rational part of my brain says "You didn't really get a good enough look at this guy to be positive, plus you know FOR A FACT that this person is currently not living in this state and hasn't been for almost a year.  Also, what's the harm in waiting to make sure it's really him?"  

Unfortunately, the part of my brain that thinks it's funny to be awkward in public gave a big "fuck you" to being rational.  As we're all out the door, I turn again and give a good look this time, just to make sure it's him.

Brain: Yeah, that's totally him.  Without question.  I feel almost dumb that I had to check twice.  Hey, mouth, go ahead and start talking.  Oh, and arm, hand, and finger, go ahead and start pointing at this guy like you recognize him.

Me: (with the biggest, dumbest, goofiest smile you could possibly imagine)  WHAT'S UP MAN!?!

Guy: (pauses to take in the moment.  Smiles in the way you might smile at a retarded person approaching you suddenly to show you how strong they are)

Me: (pausing, now with a half smile, I realize this is not the person I wish it was.  I'm still pointing)  You look exactly like a guy...(I trail off wanting to stop talking, but I can't).  I thought you we're someone else.

Guy: (being polite and trying not to laugh)  Oh, no problem man.  

Brain:  Sweet, we're doing good everybody.  Arm, hand, and finger, go ahead and slowly drop to his side.  Mouth keep talking.  Eyes, keep staring.  You're all doing great!

Me: Yeah, I turned and I thought you said 'Hey'...

Guy: (giving me an opportunity to save face)  No worries.  (He and his friend turn and start walking ahead of me silently shaking with laughter)

Brain:  Okay, I know he's not even looking at you, but keep talking, we can make this weirder.  And voice, be louder.  

Me:  ...And then I thought I recognized you.  Aaaaand I'm still talking.  That was really awkward.  I apologize.

Guy:  (still chuckling)  It's okay.

I finally let them go ahead and build distance in front of me in a hallway that felt like it was no less than a mile in length.  I even contemplated ducking into a women's bathroom just to get away, but I thought better of it.  I just dawdled hoping that they would simply vanish.

Looking back on the day, I don't think I could have made that situation more awkward for all parties involved.  The woman with the baby sped up just to get away from the whole thing.  Even her fucking two year old was like "Seriously man, what was that?  I don't even fully understand the feeling of embarrassment since I'm only 2, but that was fucking embarrassing....I feel embarrassed for you."

I just laughed, because that's really all I know how to do.  It was between that or crying.  And even though my brain thinks public awkwardness is hysterical, it understands that there are boundaries.  Fucking brain.

- The Bean 

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Worst...Roommate...Ever

Okay, so a couple months back a meteor hit.  Sounds awesome, right?  Well it WAS awesome!  Believe it.  Sounds like something out of a movie, no?  Well, hold your horses there chief.  You haven't even let me tell you the whole scoop.  Let's all remember what happens when you assume.  You often look like a stupid dick...or something.  (Seems like there should be some kind of witty saying that goes along with that.  Either way.)

A month or two ago.  It's like 5 a.m. or so and I of course am sleeping.  I begin to stir for whatever reason (probably my superhuman psychic powers warning me that danger was near).  I roll onto my back and I'm half awake in one of those "what the hell time is it and why am I up" moments.  Suddenly, in the distance, I hear a fairly audible boom (or 'superthud' if you will) followed by THE ENTIRE HOUSE SHAKING.  It only shook for a few seconds, but it was definitely noticeable.  

Most people when confronted with this situation would probably leap out of bed to go and check on things: their house, their roommates, their car, etc.  You know, just to make sure the world wasn't actually ending.  Or at least they might sit up in bed and ponder for a minute about what they should do because something very obviously just happened outside.  I like to think that I stand apart from the pack.  Usually in a good way, but I'll take it however I can get it.  

My reaction?  I just laid there for a few seconds and then went back to bed.  But that's not the worst part.  The worst part came in those few seconds I laid there.  When faced with a possible life threatening situation (or at least a huge unknown), I remember thinking "Should I get up to check on my roommates?"  And then I thought "They're probably fine."  And then I thought "I mean, if there really is a life threatening situation, they'll probably come check on me because their room is closer to the danger (plus they're super nice like that)."  And then I thought "Should I feel bad about having thought any of these things?"  Followed by "Wait, what if they got hurt because their room is closer to the danger noise and now they can't come get me?"  And finally "God, all this thinking is making me tired.  I should probably get back to sleep.  Also, if they're already dead, they're still gonna be dead when I wake up."

Does that make me a bad roommate?  Or just the most logical?  Pick a side.

Oh, and here's the news story if you don't believe me:

Awesome Meteor Story

- The Bean