Scars

They say chicks dig scars, but I'll bet you any woman that's ever had a C-section would disagree.

- The Bean

Update 7/31: This quip was actually featured today on College Humor's '105%' article on their website.  I actually modified it a little bit as I knew they'd be looking for an "edgy" or "twisted" submission.  Sure, mine was among many others featured, but I'll take a small victory wherever I can get it.

Double Standard

Why is it okay for a baby to stare at someone it doesn't know for as long as it wants, but when I do it, it's considered creepy? It's like some kind of crazy societal double standard. Is it because I'm wearing a diaper? I only do that because it seems to work pretty well for the baby. Is it the excessive body hair? Because that can't be helped. It's my curse, but it's also a bit of a blessing as it constantly reminds me of how manly I am. I suppose it could also have something to do with the location or the time. Maybe outside your bedroom window at dusk isn't as good of an idea as I originally thought. I always just figured it was kind of flattering.

Anyway, if you happen to notice a dude in a diaper outside your bedroom window tonight, just go about your business. It's only me and, like a baby, I'm just curious.

- The Bean

The Smurfs Visit the Museum of Modern Art

Papa Smurf: (elbowing Handy Smurf) Wow, look how much Picasso accomplished during HIS blue period.

Smurfette: Fuck you.

- The Bean

The Guy That Doesn't Understand Common Sayings

Guy: I just broke up with my girlfriend dude.

Friend: Well, you know what they say.  There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Guy: I'm sorry, are you suggesting I have sex with a fish?

Friend: What? No!  I'm saying there are a lot of other women...

Guy: Because it sounds like you're condoning beastiality. 

Friend: Gross.  Why would you ever even think...

Guy: Though I am a little lonely I have to admit.

Friend: Dude, listen to yourself...

Guy: Hey, do you think the pet store is still open?

Friend: You sicken me.

- The Bean

The Guy That Doesn't Know How to Use Sayings

Guy: Wow, so you're a cancer survivor, huh?

Lady: Yup, tomorrow will be 5 years in remission.

Guy: Well, you know what they say, 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'

Lady: I'm sorry?

Guy: I mean cancer makes the heart grow tumors.

Lady: What?

Guy: Abscess makes the heart grow pustules!!

Lady: Please leave.

- The Bean