Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Liar Liar, Arm's On Fire

Hey, you there! Have you ever caught fire? Have you ever not realized it right away? Well, if there was a competition for it, I'd likely be at least one up on you.

The other day I wanted to light a candle. Don't judge. I'm a sophisticated dude with a smelly apartment. Being that I had no lighter and nary a match, I did what any sophisticated man would do. I took apart a clothespin, lit it on the gas stovetop and used that to light the candle. Take a moment to revel in the brilliance of that.

Okay, now that you're done basking in my genius, prepare yourself for the dumb. So the candle is lit and is trying desperately to do a near impossible task (of making my apartment not smell like cheese and disappointment). I'm trying to enjoy it, appreciate it. While doing this, I'm also running my fingers through the hair on my arm (well how do YOU get to sleep?!) when I notice that it's all clumpy and crusty. "Asay Whaaaat?" I thought to myself (I often think to myself in the voice of a '70s pimp). I go in for a closer look and notice that almost all the hair on the underside of my right forearm is singed.

...I lit myself on fire and didn't even notice. I'm an adult. I live by myself. I'm in serious trouble.

Anyway, it took me a solid 15 minutes of precise pruning to effectively manscape my arm back into what might pass for normal. Let me ask you this. Have you ever had to do a combover on your arm? Yeah, uh, me neither.

Please just leave it alone.