Ranking My Nuts

Okay, so I realize that the title may seem a little misleading. What I'm actually referring to is how dumb a person's own personal ranking system is, and not the numeric placement of my testicles as I see them. Although, if I had to do the latter, I'd have to say that Rambo (my left ball) would be first, with Dozer (my right) coming in a close second. Allow me to clarify. Try reading the title to yourself several times with different accentuation for each of the words. They shouldn't all be read with the same tone. They should be read with slight sarcasm. Or maybe I should have written "Ranking" My Nuts! Anyway, I'm getting off track.

I've never understood a person's personal ranking system. We'll go ahead and use movies as an example. Now, if a person has selected a movie as their number one favorite movie of all time, that's fine. I understand it. I don't really care all that much (because unless it's Varsity Blues, I don't even want to talk to you), but I understand it. But where the confusion and, therefore, hatred lies for me is in placing a movie (or whatever it may be) in your top whatever.

Allow me to make my point through a made up conversation

You: How do your arms not burst through your sleeves? Also, I would have to place Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai in my top five favorite movies of all time.

Me: . . . So . . . you mean . . . it's your fifth favorite movie of all time.

You: No, well I mean, it's in my top five.

Me: Listen dumbass, if it's "in your top five" then it can't be number one because you would have said "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai is my favorite movie of all time." If it was your second or third favorite, you would have said "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai is in my top three favorite movies of all time." which is still dumb, but I'd be able to see your point. If it was your fourth favorite, you would have said "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai is in my top four of all time." Now, you can try to argue that four is an uncommon 'benchmark' number to use when ranking things, but I say why not? We're not fucking idiots here. You can take your 'benchmark' numbers (like 3, 5, 10, 20, and 100) and stick them sideways up your ass. If you say "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai is in my top ___ favorite movies of all time" then I'm going to assume that whatever number you've put in the blank is the number that you're ranking that particular movie. If it wasn't, you would have said a different number. Now get out of here before I start thumping me some crotch!

Now, clearly this is a made up scenario because no one but my roommate would ever put Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai in their top anything, ever. Unless it was a list of things that sit there like a lump and do nothing. In which case, it would come in third.

Right after my nuts.

- The Bean