Okay, so I was thinking earlier today about scenarios in my life that might make me feel as lazy and useless as is humanly possible. Actually, I wasn't even actively pursuing this thought process. I realized it as it was happening. It involved the following:
Me watching Olympic Judo while eating a "S'mores" flavored Pop-Tart. Hang with me for a second as I explain the full reality of the situation. Me, an unpolished lump of a man, watching humans at the pinnacle of their athletic prowess competing with one another to prove that they are the best in the world. Them: holding the hopes and dreams of a nation on their shoulders. Me: holding a Pop-Tart.
And to stretch that extreme a little further, I didn't even toast the Pop-Tart. Reasons include the following: 1) I don't have that kind of time and 2) the toaster was all the way downstairs. I wasn't about to pull a hammy over it.
I later noticed that my delicious breakfast treat (that I was enjoying around 2:00 in the afternoon) came with a temporary tattoo! I almost pooped! But then I hit a snag. As most of you well know, temporary tattoos involve a small amount of water and some type of washcloth to apply them with. The dream was over. I wasn't about to get out of my chair and walk three or maybe even four steps outside of my bedroom door and into my bathroom. I was already situated people! But lo and behold, I devised a plan. I grabbed my water bottle and an old napkin I found on my desk. The dream was back alive!
So now I sit alone in my room with a tattoo that looks as dumb as you might imagine. It says "Pop-tarts" and has a picture of a girl hiding behind a toaster that says "fitting rooms" on it. She's waiting for the unsuspecting anthropomorphic toaster pastry (also pictured) to hop on in. Sick bitch.
And that pretty much sums up my existence to this point. If you're skeptical of my actual laziness, allow me to present the following. In writing this blog I've actually been somewhat annoyed that I've had to both capitalize and hyphenate the word "Pop-Tart," so much so that I even paused once to try to think of a different word to use. Before I started I even contemplated not writing this blog at all. My fingers are weak and tired. I'm going to bed.
- The Bean
