Pillow Talk

So on Wednesday of this week I received what can only be described as "the most comfortable pillow on the face of the earth as well as the face of the heavens or even the torso and back of the heavens, and you know what, any other place that might have pillows for that matter." It's a Tempur-Pedic which, for those of you that don't understand pillow-speak, roughly translates to "fucking expensive." However, it has thus far been worth it.

How can I adequately explain this to you without getting too graphic? Let me put it this way: When resting my head on the pillow, it feels as though the back of my head is being gently fellated by angels. Too graphic? Okay, fine. Suffice it to say it feels like, whenever I'm sleeping on it, the pillow is making love to my head and face. I had a roommate in college who used to try to do that all the time, but I gotta say it was never half as comfortable as this pillow. You see what I'm saying?

Whatever crazy fucking NASA-approved material they put inside this magic bundle bends and molds and shapes to the size and weight of my head. It tends to my every need, much like an attentive lover. The only thing that would make my sleep situation better would be the worlds perfect blanket, which I imagine to be made up of some space age material that would give me an orgasm every time I rolled over in bed.

You know what? Come to think of it, I'd rather just have a person as a blanket. Someone could just lay on top of me and I'd call that good. However, prostitutes costing what they do these days, I'd settle for a free blanket of some sort. You know a good way to get your hands on a free blanket that I believe to be underutilized? Being a bystander at the scene of an accident. You always see it in movies and whatnot, but the people standing around after the accident (or some other traumatic event) has taken place always seem to have these burly wool blankets. I never really understood it. First of all, why do they do that? Does being witness at the scene of a crime affect your body temperature that much? And if so, why not give out mittens and hats as well. Also, depending on the time of year, are the free items adapted to suit the needs of the bystanders? Like if it were really hot out, would you get some ice cold lemonade and a hand held mini fan you could try to stick your tongue into (you know, just to see if it hurts)?

You see people, these are the questions that keep me up at night. And by 'these' I mean 'this.' And by 'are' I mean 'is.' And by 'questions' I mean 'question.' And by 'keep' I mean 'keeps.' And by 'me' I mean 'a friend of mine.'

Anyway, my new pillow is awesome.

- The Bean

Bus a Move

For as long as I can remember, I've taken public transportation.  It's been an integral part of my life and I've used it more times than I can even remember to get me from point A to point B.  

Actually, I'm lying.  I fucking hate the bus.  I would never ride the bus and I avoid getting on them as often as is humanly possible.  I'm not an idiot people.  Seriously.  I dread the bus and I could probably count the number of times I've ever taken public transportation on two hands.  Maybe two hands plus my penis, which is to say, no more than thirteen times.  I should probably see a doctor.

I can't tell you how many horror stories I've heard of all the crazies that enjoy riding buses.  And I can guarantee that some of the craziest shit I've heard can't compare to so many other things that have probably happened on the bus.  A friend of mine has witnessed multiple hostile situations.  Two drunk guys arguing, I think a Chinese lady got punched in the back of the head another time, creepy assholes constantly trying to hit on any women on the bus that appear to be breathing, etc.  It just sounds awful.

Another friend of mine in Canada witnessed a man whip out his dangle and start having himself some "me" time in front of everyone.  Wow.  What do you even say to that?

It's after hearing stories like this that make me think "why the fuck would anyone willingly take the bus?"  Granted, it's cheaper and better for the environment than driving, but save for all of those logical reasons, it's dumb.  Crazy dumb.  Get a car, or ask me for a ride.  Hell, ask a stranger for a ride.  Some guy did that to me once.  On what would later become the scariest night of my life, I gave a crackhead a forty-five minute car ride around Portland.  You see?  I'm not safe even in my own fucking car!  How crazy is that?  But at least the crazies approach me less frequently than if I were to take the bus.  And I no longer pick up crackheads.  

I don't really even know what my point is.  Maybe just that I hate the bus and I don't think anyone should have to ride it if they know someone with a car.  Seriously, if you live near me and need a ride anywhere, just ask.  I'll probably say no and laugh, but at least you tried.

One last story before I go.  When I was taking the subway in Washington D.C. years back, I saw a crazy man get on.  He waited until the the train started moving and then proceeded to have a very heated argument with what appeared to be the door.  What I'm trying to say is that he was by himself and he was arguing.  That's fine, I don't have a problem with that.  And it was pretty entertaining to watch.  What I found to be funny though was when a little Chinese man got on the train a few stops later.  He got on, opened up his Bible and started loudly singing Christmas carols.  Everyone just pretended to ignore him.  Everyone except for the crazy guy who stopped his conversation with himself just long enough to turn and look at the Chinese man.  He then shook his head in disapproval.  Like it was the caroler who was fucking crazy!?  How's that for perspective?

People are weird.  And buses suck balls.

- The Bean

Ghost Write the Whip

Okay, so today's blog was written by what we'll call a guest author. It was written back in June of last year by Jamie Dunphy. Since I like things that are awesome as well as sharing said awesome things, I thought I would present this for your enjoyment.

What makes this blog more fitting is the release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull this coming May.

So enjoy it . . . or I'll find you.

I know it may be sacralige, but...

(Conversation that took place almost 27 years ago)

Movie writer: Ok, I have an idea for a movie. Now hear me out. You take a rugged good looking man with a PHD in archeology...ok, ok...and he teaches at a college. But the US goverment comes to him and says that because of his specific expertise in archeology, he is the only person who can save America. Now, a very bad situation has arisen. The...um..the NAZI's have gotten very close to finding the Ark of the Covenant (arguably the most holy of missing idols to all people across the world. This will TOTALLY get the attention of all those Christ lovin' blue-blooded Americans!). So, even though the Nazi's have spent years looking for the Ark...the government thinks this doctor can find it in only two days. So he does. And...umm... he finds it, and it's in a big-ass pit deep down in the ground and, even though there is no light, or air or anything, it's full of snakes...POISONOUS snakes! Oooh! Oh, and the doctor hates snakes...so he has to try and deal with all these poisonous snakes. Anyway, this archeologist barges into a big ol' pit, and just knocks unimportant shit out of the way and grabs this ark thingy, but of course, the evil NAZI's see that he has found it, and they steal it...oooh. Then they lock him in forever. But the doctor breaks out in a matter of two minutes. He knocks down a big ass wall with a statue of a screaming wolf thing, and I'm thinking that for some reason there could be a bunch of dead people who scream and shriek and such. Just for effect...you know. Then they just move a teeny tiny block out of the way and they're free. Then they steal back the ark, then the Nazi's steal it back again. And then he rides on the outside of a submarine that never goes under the water. Then he suddenly has a bazooka. Then he just doesn't use the bazooka. And the Nazi's take the ark from the top secret, very nice and modern looking base, and march it up a scary ol' mountain to a big platform where some dude starts chanting and opens the ark, and the ark kills everyone, but the doctor knows not to look, and it doesn't kill him because he didn't look.

Movie Producer: Yes. YES! Here is a large pile of money in a burlap bag with a big dollar sign on it.

The final result: Raiders of the Lost Ark is a stupid movie. The end.

- Jamie Dunphy

So there you have it. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I did.

- The Bean

Facing the Va-Giants

So I just finished watching one of the biggest cinematic dumps in history titled "Facing the Giants." First of all, no, it's not about giants. There are no giants or other people of abnormal size in or around this movie, so don't bother. Although, one of the actors in the movie was pretty fat. Maybe in the high seven hundreds or so. But he wasn't what I would consider a "giant." More like a really pudgy blanket.

If you've never seen it, please allow me to spoil it for you so that you may never have to see it. It took me three agonizing half hour installments in order to watch it, so I think it's only fair to spare you that hour and a half of your life. It's basically about a very whiny, balding man. He cries about everything and he mopes about and he wonders why life sucks. He's the crappy coach of a crappy football team. He whines because his football team sucks, he whines because he can't get his wife pregnant, and sometimes he whines because he whines.

Then he asks for God's help. Yeah, I know. That's what I said. The movie is basically a Bible ad surrounded by a formulaic football movie. He asks for God's help (who didn't make an appearance the ENTIRE movie) and, go figure, his team wins. But here's something I was thinking about for the whole movie. Whether you believe in God or not, this guy is still a whiny douchebag. And I think that's the underlying plot point that you, as the viewer, are supposed to take away from the movie.

So the movie is actually about metaphorical giants. Big stupid metaphorical giants. Also, the team they play at the end is named "the Giants" just in case you didn't follow the metaphor.

Anyway, there's no real message here. Just don't see the movie. It's painful.

- The Bean

Diane Keaton's Vagina

Okay, here we go. If any of you were immediately offended by the title of this particular blog, you can thank my friend and former roommate Jamie for that bile taste currently in the back of your throat.

He suggested that I talk about what Diane Keaton's lady parts would "taste like after they've been soaking in a hot tub filled with apple juice all day." Wow. He paints quite the picture with words, doesn't he folks? I contend that her womanly bits would most likely taste like said apple juice, and nothing more.

Have any of you ever heard of a grapple? And I don't mean like wrestling. I'm talking about the fruit. It's basically an apple that's been injected or infused or something crazy like that with grape flavor (natural grape flavor i would assume). I've never had one, but crazy scientific combinations always pique my interest. Like pluots, or clamato, or . . . peanut belly (It's my combination attempt for peanut butter and jelly. I didn't have any other items to list, leave it alone.)

I was interested in trying the grapple in the first four minutes or so after I heard about it. Then, my logical thought process led me in this direction:
"Grapple? What the hell is that? . . . . Well, it sounds like a combination of things. Maybe a grape and an apple. God I'm smart. I wonder what that would even taste like. Man, I'm hungry. . . but I'm also kind of fat. So maybe I shouldn't be thinking about food right now. I should do some situps. . . But I'm so fucking hungry . . . . hehehe . . . sofa king hungry . . . funny. (three minutes later) . . . It looks like an apple but tastes like grapes? Why wouldn't I just eat grapes then? What a dumb fucking invention."

And that's where I would land on it. Oh wow, an apple that tastes like grapes! You know what else tastes like grapes? Fucking grapes! And they're cheaper too. I don't think that the design of the grape is particularly flawed really. They're not cumbersome or unwieldy. They're grapes for Christ's sake. If you can't get a handle on a couple of grapes, then my bet is that you can't grab on to an apple real well either. So maybe just stick to picking and eating your scabs. And stay away from Diane Keaton's vagina if at all possible.

I'm only trying to help.

- The Bean

Idears

Hello all. Happy new year and whatnot.

Pleasantries aside, I was thinking about writing more blogs this year. I wasn't making a resolution, mind you. Let's clear that up right now. Resolutions are all bullshit.

I was just wanting to write more things. More stuff, if you will. (I know, I'm a poet with words. Suck it.) More blogs, actually. I've been writing skits and sketches lately that I've kept private, which have successfully helped me prevent writing anything here.

Anyway, I was just going to put this out there to ask any of you (all five of you) for suggestions of topics to write about. If you want me to address anything (save for politics and other boring shit like that) that you enjoy or detest, let me know. Just leave a comment at the end of any of the previously written blogs on what you think I should write about. In the meantime, I'll continue to come up with my own stuff. But at least this way there will be more accountability as far as posting more blogs.

So there you have it. I'll cater to your needs, much like an attentive lover. And if I don't know anything about what you suggest, I'll see how well I can fake my way through it.

Take care!

- The Bean