Relax people, it's not as serious as all that. What I'm trying to say is that, despite my 29 years of experience in chewing food, I still can't seem to get it right. I'll bite my lip a few times a month, and the inside of my cheek even more frequently. Of course that only exacerbates things and causes me to continue to pepper my every bite of food with another layer of cheek flesh, which is no one's favorite. But that's not even my main problem. Everyone does those things pretty regularly and will likely continue to do so because we're a nation of rushed eaters.
What I'm talking about is even more embarrassing than that nonsense. What I'm talking about is knowingly eating something that's going to fire up the inside of my mouth and not having the patience to wait for it to cool. The item in this example was a fish sandwich. A fish sandwich that was breaded and therefore needed to be fried. In oil. Oil that was hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock full of lava. So what this breading did was to effectively cause a pocket of hot oil to be trapped in between itself and the other fishy layer of deliciousness. I knew this going in. And yet I still was somehow able to convince my stupid brain that the 4 seconds the sandwich had spent on my plate was enough to cool it sufficiently.
So I then did what any other retarded manchild might have done in that situation. I bit into it with reckless abandon. That Goddamn fish sandwich filled my mouth with liquid agony so quickly that my next seven generations of taste buds were flash fried instantaneously. My eyes watered up and all I could see from that point on was hatred.
I'm not really that mad about it anymore. I got what I deserved. All I'm really trying to say is that you should let your food cool before you eat it. And if you just can't be bothered to wait, give me a call. Because I'll gladly jam that first bite blindly into my food hole.
...Don't judge me.
