Potpourri 

So you know how sometimes you'll do a burp, but instead of a burp, it makes sort of a gurgling sound and then you get to taste stuff?  Yeah, I just did one of those before I started writing, so I thought I'd share.  

The other day I cut my thumb using the thumbnail of my other thumb.  I wish I could say that I did it while trying to rescue a puppy from underneath a bus, or while rolling a frying pan into a burrito with my bare hands, but I did it trying to get the cap off of some huckleberry body wash.  To be fair, I was gonna use the body wash to blow up a tank, so there's that.

I love the Dog Whisperer.  Seriously, that show rocks my socks.  It's the same exact scenario time after time, but I will never get tired of it.  And it goes something like this.  Dog owner has a problem dog.  Dog owner has tried everything.  Dog is untrainable.  Dog owner is convinced that nothing can be done.  Dog owner calls Dog Whisperer.  Dog Whisperer comes out with 25 cent leash and fixes the dog within 5 minutes.  Dog owner looks on in disbelief.  Mumbles something about "Never thought I'd see that, blah blah blah, etc."  The great thing is that it doesn't even matter what the dog's problem is (it usually ends up being the owner).  Caesar Millan will make you look like a jackass in under ten minutes guaranteed.  Your dog could have murdered people and eaten babies for the last seven years, but you know it's going to be fixed by the end of the show.  I like that consistency.

Have you ever run into a doorframe while trying to exit a room quickly?  Like you'll just clip your shoulder on the way out and it sends you a little off kilter, but you can usually recover from it?  Yeah, I did one of those about a month ago, but I ran into the door frame with the middle of my chest.  I'm still not sure exactly how it happened or what it was that had me excited enough to forget how to exit a room.  (I think there was mention of pizza downstairs or something.)  Regardless, I was still able to recover after only a slight popping sound and some type of muffled grunt.  I'm like a big lovable man child.

Until next time!

- The Bean

I Can See!

So for the first time in 8 years, I decided to get some new glasses. And before you ask, yes, my vision is that unimportant to me.

It's actually quite incredible. You never really realize just how much you couldn't see until you get glasses that work. It's ridiculous. I can see EVERYTHING. I feel like a fucking superhero. Like I can see through time.

Though, I have to admit that when I first put them on and looked in the mirror, I was a little frightened. I guess 8 years of being clinically blind really helped to cement the thought that I had pretty clear skin. When I saw myself again for the first time in so long, I could actually see inside my own face! Huge pores people. Huge. Gross. Let's not talk about it.

Another weird thing is that I can see so clearly now, that if I look in the mirror through my glasses into my eyes on the other side of the mirror through that other set of glasses, I'm pretty sure I can see into my own soul. It's a weird place. It's dark. And it smells like a sock.

Also, before I got these new bad boys, I was convinced that there were only two dimensions. Now it feels like I'm walking around with 3D glasses on (but I obviously don't look as cool as Biff's minion in the first Back to the Future movie).

Is this what you people see like all the time!? Why didn't anyone tell me? You guys are jerks. But lovable jerks.

- The Bean