A Word About Conducting Yourself in Public

Hey there!  You with the headphones.  Yeah, um, just because you're wearing those headphones and therefore can't hear yourself fart on the subway escalator doesn't mean the rest of us aren't listening.  

I hate you.

Crazy Legs

So caffeine and I don't have the greatest relationship in the world.  I think it dates back to when I was a kid and first discovered Mountain Dew.  From square one that stuff was making me do stuff I didn't want to do: throw stuff at pretty girls, slam my head down on my desk to get a laugh from the class.  It was in complete control of me, and I loved it.  There came a point in high school, however, where I realized that I had consumed enough caffeine in such a short period of time that it no longer had an effect on me.  Happy days!  Now I could rot my teeth in peace, with no ill side effects.  

So here's the problem.  After many years of consuming soda without consequence, I think it's finally caught up with me again.  And I'm not even drinking the hard stuff.  Like an old, fat soccer dad, I'm drinking diet.  I can't drink the regular stuff as it hurts my teeth.  Also my left knee starts acting up whenever there's a storm a'comin'.  Okay, that last part isn't true, but I feel like an old fat sack complaining about pop.

The killer is that I can't drink any soda before bed because, come sleepin' time, I get the old mexican crazy legs.  It doesn't even matter how tired I am.  I could have just run a marathon (not that I ever would, because I'm super lazy.  Seriously, I got tired just typing about the marathon) and I could be exhausted, but if I have even the tiniest bit of caffeine before bed, my legs will let me know about it.  My body will seriously be at odds with itself.  My legs are all full of crazy energy and my toes won't stop frickin' wiggling.  It's like they're having an argument over which of them should get stubbed next, and then they all just end up trying to stay as far away from each other as they possibly can.  

At it's worst, one of my crazy legs will develop an itch.  But here's the kicker: I CAN NEVER FIND IT.  I spent a half an hour last night trying to find the part of my leg that was itching.  Once I realized the spot was probably nowhere near the leg that actually itched, I set off on a journey to find it.  I scratched everywhere.  And I mean EVERYWHERE people.  And other than getting caught up just south of the border, I had no luck finding the itch.  My leg just kept itching, my toes kept dancing away into the night, and I silently prayed for death.  

I guess the moral of the story is for me to lay off the caffeine, which is admittedly the dumbest moral to a story ever.  But here's the shitty part:  I already don't drink coffee, and I gave up regular soda, so why can't I just have this one thing?  I'll tell you why.  It's because if I could, then life would be fair, and that's just not in the cards.    

Damn crazy legs

... and stupid psycho toes.