PDA-Holes

I hate PDAs. Plain and simple. And if you're awesome like me, you hate them too. I refer, of course, to "Public Displays of Affection" and not "Personal Digital Assistants," "the Parenteral Drug Association," or even "Pakistan Domestic Airlines" (though all three can be irritating given the right circumstances).

Public Displays of Affection. That phrase shouldn't even exist, because people shouldn't be so arrogant to do that shit in public. Like they're the only ones that exist in that moment. Look, I realize that you're in love and that you want the world to know it. But this isn't some romantic comedy where I'm gonna look at you and be like "THAT IS ADORABLE." This is real life and the only reaction you'll get from me is a gag reflex. That, and you might see me fight the overwhelming urge to push your heads together.

I understand hand holding. That's fine. People that aren't even in love hold hands from time to time. It's nice. And it's not disgusting. From a distance it can be written off as two people swinging their arms in unison, or if you so desire you can even ignore it completely. But when two people are necking one or two feet from my head, all I can think about is putting one or two of my feet up their ass. It's gross people. Really. Don't do it.

And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "You've just never been in love enough to know what it's like to be so into someone that nothing else exists." First of all, fuck you. Don't presume to know me. And don't ever say something as gross as that to me again. I know exactly what it's like. I also know what it's like to respect other people out in public and to not subject them to something like that. That's like saying that if you're focused on something that intently, that it's okay to just do it. But here's the thing, I've had to crap really badly before while out in public, and I can GUARANTEE that under no circumstance would my need to do that override my need to not make people around me throw up all over themselves.

You wanna know the strange part? The thing that set off this whole topic in my mind was something that happened at the airport like a week and a half ago. It was a quarter to fucking early and I was sitting there minding my own business imagining a fight scene between myself and Wilmer Valderama when suddenly I heard baby talk and kissing sounds. Granted, it wasn't two people making out. It was a mother and her baby. She somehow chose to sit right behind me. Out of TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY TWO seats, she picks the one directly behind my head. Awesome.

Look, you can sit there in your tower and think that I'm an asshole for being irritated at a mother and child, but I argue the following:
A kissing sound is still a kissing sound regardless of the age of the people involved. Whether it's two adults mouth to mouth or whether it's a mother lovingly kissing the top of her baby's head matters not. It still makes me want to start blindly throwing punches. It's a lot like Pavlov's test. Only instead of the bell causing dogs to drool, It's kissing sounds and baby talk causing vicious punch combinations. And I don't rightly care if you think that a mother kissing her baby is adorable. It's still annoying. If you love it so much, you could always imagine it. That way I don't have to see it and we'd both be spared the awful noises.

And if you're of the mindset that PDAs are okay, then what about if I were to have a PDA with myself? Hmm? What then? Just shoved my hand down the front of my pants. How adorable would that be? That's my point. It wouldn't.

That's why the next time I'm out in public and I see two complete strangers speed bagging each others' uvulas I'm gonna have my own personal PDA while staring intently at them and muttering creepy shit to myself.

So think about it. We can call a truce right now. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.

- The Bean