Let Me Tell You About a Proud Uncle

He is I and I am him (slim with the tilted brim). I'm sorry. I stole that line from Snoop Dogg but I thought it was such a horrifyingly good opening that I couldn't pass it up. Also I'm unoriginal, which is why the blog I'm writing is actually just a story I heard yesterday that I'm now passing off as my own. So listen up douchebags.

So, I have this nephew who lives in Washington. And in actuality, he's really like my step second cousin or some wordy shit like that. However, after reading this story, you will see why I claim him as my own.

So apparently Doc, as I call him, is of an age where he is able to speak. Not only that, but he's in the wonderfully innocent phase of embarassing his parents in public. This, in itself, is pretty funny, but not the reason I'm bragging about him. It's the way in which he chose to embarrass his parents.

They were in a shopping establishment (we'll say Target, just so it's more relatable) when Doc saunters up to some other young boy that he's never met and asks him the following:

"Do you have a penis?"

I know, right? Just let that sink in (hehe, seriously, think about it). How wonderful a sight that must have been! If you didn't know better, you'd think I was feeding him lines via a child-sized ear piece. And although he's not my blood, I feel closer to him now more than ever. How brilliant is this child going to turn out to be!? He's already learned to cut through all the bullshit and get to the meat (pun absolutely intended) of the situation.

"Look, I don't know you. I don't know your name. And I don't care. I don't care where you came from or what you're even here to buy. Just tell me one thing good sir. Do you have a penis? Yes or no! Let's not mince words here. I need the info and then I'll be on my merry way."

And here's the thing. I'm almost certain that were his capacity for speech up to par with mine, that's exactly what he would have said. Either that, or he would have gone the other way and been even more direct.

"Penis? Yes or no?"

Of course, that question can be taken so many ways (that pun totally just wrote itself), so I fully understand and support his decision to use the full sentence.

Doc, I love you. And to answer your question before you have to ask it, yes, yes I do. And it's the reason that your dear old uncle has back problems.

- The Bean