A Walk in the Park

The following is based on true events.

So I just got back from a walk in the park, and let me start by saying it was anything BUT that. The weather was unbelievably nice, so I headed outside to the park across the street from my home. I found a nice shady tree and walked there on my hands while simultaneously doing vertical push-ups. When I got there, I was a little tuckered since, as I'm sure you all know that even with my peak level of fitness, vertical push-ups ain't easy.

I take shelter from the sun underneath a nearby tree and begin constructing a makeshift palm tree using bark, grass clippings, and fallen leaves from other nearby trees. I decide to do this because a) I've never gotten to take shelter under a nearby palm tree, and b) I've always wanted to say that I had. So I took shelter under a nearby palm tree.

No sooner did I start thinking of ways to save the rainforest, than I was approached by a homeless man with a thirst for blood. He threatened me with what appeared to be a trident. I didn't even know you could get those things anymore. Not like it did him even a little bit of good because, as he ran in to attack me, I back-flipped off a nearby tree and spin-kicked him at the base of his brain stem. I think, as he was coming at me, he was trying to say something along the lines of "Do you have any spare change?" but I was so quick that it came out more like "BLARG!" So he drops like a sack of batteries and I'm thinking it's time to call it a day. Suddenly his attack monkey, which I hadn't seen initially, came leaping forth from behind the brush (as they have a way of doing) and bit me in my arm. I quickly tied it's tail to a nearby branch as opposed to just killing it because, hey, I'm not an asshole.

Which brings me to my next point. What the hell does "based on true events" really even mean? The only part of that story that's true is that I went to the park today. That plus the monkey thing. But how little of a story has to actually be true for people to need to say that? They abuse it in movies all the time. Can you tell whatever kind of bullshit lies you want as long as you preface it with "The following is based on true events?" I mean, technically could you say that Superman was based on true events because there probably was once this guy whose name really was "Clark" and one time he wore the color combination of blue and red? I don't know. I say why the hell not.

You know what? I think I'm going to start using that phrase before every story I tell. I'll be at a party or a box social or giving a statement at the police station and before I start I'll say "The following is based on true events." Holy crap, I just realized how bulletproof that is! You could say anything you wanted after that as long as what you start with actually happened! Then, whoever you're telling the story to would have to decide for themselves. And ladies love mystery in a man. Especially in a man that was attacked by a monkey.

- The Bean