Judge Booty

Okay, so while were on the subject of the brown starfish, I may as well dig us deeper into the hole (no pun intended) of vulgarity. Now, Im sure that at some point, the vast majority of us have worked in some type of customer service position. In my case, I still am. Now, during the tenure of your work experience, I am also sure that everyone has judged a customer in one way or another. What I mean by this is that, as soon as the unsuspecting jackass steps away from your register or till or counter or wherever it is that you work, you and your coworkers just go to town on this person. Well, I would think that working the cash register in a grocery store would be the most difficult not to question/judge the people that come through there on a daily basis, since all you have to base your judgment on are the items they buy.

For example, the other day I found myself to be a little hungry. The specific item I required was an entire bag of Salsa Verde Doritos (which I should add are beyond delicious). I hadnt had chips for a while, and the only way to possibly quell that desire was for me to eat the entire bag. But I'm getting off track.

As I was at the store grabbing the bag of scrumptiousness (which, if you havent gone out to buy yet, you should have at least jotted it down on like a cocktail napkin next to you or some shit), I remembered that my apartment was almost completely out of toilet paper. Being that this is somewhat of an important commodity, I figured I should get a huge bag of that as well.

Since I could not think of anything else that I may have needed at that current moment, I decided to begin my exit with said items. Now, I dont know if youve ever only bought just two things before, but I guarantee you that no matter what it is, it ALWAYS looks weird. Unless, of course, were talking about like peanut butter and jelly. However, I felt for some reason that on this particular excursion, the combination that I had selected, must have looked especially weird. I say this because of the odd look I received from the cashier. As I allowed my wit to quietly work its magic, I found that all I could come up with was an awkward silence and the sentence "Umm . . . looks like I'm set for the night, huh?" Yeah I know, brilliant, right?

On a completely separate occasion, I had an even more embarrassing adventure to the supermarket, and not a single word was said. The item in question? A box of Imodium AD. For those of you who dont know exactly what that is, I suggest you find out. The stuff is seriously a miracle cure. Not to get too terribly graphic on you, but suffice it to say the box uses the words "loose stools." Enough said. When youre purchasing an item of that nature, and only that item, there is absolutely NOTHING you can say to save yourself. You can try to be like "Umm . . . my girlfriend . . . err she doesnt feel . . . stomach..hurts." Yeah, uh, bullshit. You have diarrhea and both you and the store clerk know it.

I mean, you can try to throw other things in your basket to make it seem less embarrassing. Such as some garbage bags, paper towels, a gallon of milk, some highlighters, toenail clippers, or some cheez-its, but I guarantee that's gonna make matters ten times worse. Because now, not only does the cashier think you have "the rear" as I call it, but now he thinks that you've already made such a mess that at this point you need paper towels and garbage bags to clean it up. Then, while youre battling your next bout of what my step dad likes to call "the trots," youre gonna be drinking some milk while highlighting some light homework reading, while snacking on cheez-its and clipping your toenails. Now youre just next-level disgusting.

The only thing you can honestly do is just completely fess up. As you slide the box over to him, as proudly as you possibly can, exclaim "I have diarrhea, and I am purchasing this box of pharmaceuticals to combat its symptoms!" Because otherwise, you're a fucking liar.

My thought on the matter is this: If you're gonna purchase an embarrassing item, you may as well just go the whole way and buy every possible embarrassing thing you can think of. This way, the check out person wont know what to react to. It'll be a sensory overload and they'll just have to shut up. It doesnt even matter what you grab. Some suppositories, maxi pads, a copy of Dr. Phils latest book, tampons (they work wonders for nose bleeds), rubbers, a copy of the movie Cool Runnings (which you kinda liked but dont want to admit to your friends), and really whatever else you can think of. At least this way, if you ever need to buy any of that stuff in the future, youll already have it stockpiled. And then youre set for life.

Don't say I never taught you anything. Now go out with your new found knowledge and abuse the hell out of it.

- The Bean