Give Me Dry Socks or Give Me Death

So about a month and a half ago, I was in Canada for a bachelor party. This was my first venture into the famed country that just seems to kind of be there. It was nice. Lovely city, the people seemed nice enough, and I was with a group of guys that just wanted to have a good time. However, there was one thing that managed to prevent it from being the perfect weekend. . . . wet socks. I repeat . . . . WET . . . SOCKS.

I fucking HATE wet socks. More than anything else in this world. For the Canada trip there was rain pretty much every day. Now see, rain I don't have a problem with. It rains in Portland all the time and I generally welcome it. I've been wet before. But having wet socks is an entirely different story. My shoes had holes near the toe area, so I'm partially to blame for the fiasco, but that's no excuse. My toes were still wet.

I would rather die than have wet socks. And when I say "wet socks" I'm referring to socks with even just a little bit of water on them. I could be walking down death row, staring into the face of the most painful death anyone could possibly imagine and I'd probably be all right. Now, add into that equation a pair of socks where just the little toe is has been dabbed with water and I would try to end my own life before I finished my walk.

What is it about moist foot coverings (another name for "wet socks." Lame, I know, but I got tired of using the phrase. Get over it) that makes me want to kill a puppy? And why oh why do they never seem to dry while still on your feet?! That's an anomaly to me. I could have stepped in a puddle a day ago and then spent the next twenty four hours with my foot directly in front of a fire and I'd still feel the moisture. If it wasn't man made, it would be like nature's own water retainer. Like a cactus, or a camel, or a pregnant woman. They're all pretty similar.

Example:
Man: What's wrong honey?
Woman: I'm retaining water and I feel really shitty.
Man: Are you sure it's not just the pair of wet socks that you're wearing?
Woman: Sweet Jesus, you're brilliant. Do me now.
Man: Take off the socks first, then we'll talk.

You see?

But why not just take off the horrid foot covers of death you say? To you I reply "shut up asshole. And what the hell is a 'horrid foot cover of death?' Are you trying to say 'wet sock' creatively? Well, you're an idiot."

We have the technology in this country to make a set of gloves that will peel a potato in just 8 seconds, but we can't keep my toes dry? I call shenanigans.

- The Bean