Wanna Feel Embarrassed for Me?

Have any of you ever wondered what it would feel like to be a disgrace to your heritage?  You have?  Well let's pretend you said "no" so I can explain to you what that's like.  Here in what I like to call "Mexico Jr." I have several "biggest fears."  I know what you're thinking (you're so predictable).  You're thinking "you can't have more than one 'biggest fear' as the word 'biggest' implies singularity."  First of all, don't tell me what I can or can't have.  Second, you don't have to use big words to make me think you're smart.  I love you just the way you are.  Third, please let me finish my story before you try to interrupt me again.  Okay?

Anyway, one of my big fears is that a native Spanish speaker will come up to me assuming I have a complete grasp of the language and try to start a conversation with me.  I, of course, remember bits and pieces of Spanish that I learned in high school.  My reaction is usually the same every time.  It's like this.  Imagine what it must be like to be a baby, completely new to the world, and have a complete stranger come up to you and start speaking sounds you've never heard before.  Yeah, that's what it feels like for me.  And I generally react the same way a baby would.  I'll stare at them for a few seconds, blink a couple of times, make a cute spitting sound, and then I poop a little bit.

I don't know what it is that even makes me seem so approachable.  Whenever I'm out in public, I try to look tough or at least act like I don't want to be talked to.  And it NEVER works.  I think they see the glasses and the gut and immediately think "Yeah, this guy's harmless.  Unless I come at him looking like a bag of candy, I'm probably gonna be okay."  It's crap people.  I like to avoid public interaction as much as possible.  This is not to say that I won't help you if you ask me for it.  I'm just not a fan of the attention.

The scenario today occurred as I was buying a ticket for the subway.  The moment that I stepped up to the machine, I felt this presence over my right shoulder.  Someone just standing there, staring.  It made me more uncomfortable when I realized there were at least three other open ticket terminals.  I was even more frightened when, as I reached down to grab my ticket, someone tapped my shoulder and started speaking Spanish.  I even had my headphones in!  Come on.  I call foul.  I pretended I didn't feel anything but he persisted.  So I popped one of the ear buds out and he starts talking at me a mile a minute.  I pick up the word "ticket" and notice he's holding a coin that looks like a peso.  "Great," I'm thinking "he wants to give me a peso for some real change."  After closer inspection I realize that it's a subway token.  So I ask him if it's one way.  He says "yes."  I show him how to pay for his ticket.  He says "thanks" and I wave and walk away because I can't even say "de nada" without feeling like an asshole.

I don't get how that works.  I helped someone today and I still end up feeling like a jerk.  Weird.  Anyway, seeing as how I'm going to be taking the train a lot more frequently, I foresee this sort of thing happening somewhat regularly.  I've either got to learn to look tougher, or learn how to fake a seizure.  Somehow I think that last one would cause more problems.  Oh well.  

A Mexican looking guy that doesn't speak Spanish.  This is my curse.

- The Bean