Wanna Feel Embarrassed for Me?

Have any of you ever wondered what it would feel like to be a disgrace to your heritage?  You have?  Well let's pretend you said "no" so I can explain to you what that's like.  Here in what I like to call "Mexico Jr." I have several "biggest fears."  I know what you're thinking (you're so predictable).  You're thinking "you can't have more than one 'biggest fear' as the word 'biggest' implies singularity."  First of all, don't tell me what I can or can't have.  Second, you don't have to use big words to make me think you're smart.  I love you just the way you are.  Third, please let me finish my story before you try to interrupt me again.  Okay?

Anyway, one of my big fears is that a native Spanish speaker will come up to me assuming I have a complete grasp of the language and try to start a conversation with me.  I, of course, remember bits and pieces of Spanish that I learned in high school.  My reaction is usually the same every time.  It's like this.  Imagine what it must be like to be a baby, completely new to the world, and have a complete stranger come up to you and start speaking sounds you've never heard before.  Yeah, that's what it feels like for me.  And I generally react the same way a baby would.  I'll stare at them for a few seconds, blink a couple of times, make a cute spitting sound, and then I poop a little bit.

I don't know what it is that even makes me seem so approachable.  Whenever I'm out in public, I try to look tough or at least act like I don't want to be talked to.  And it NEVER works.  I think they see the glasses and the gut and immediately think "Yeah, this guy's harmless.  Unless I come at him looking like a bag of candy, I'm probably gonna be okay."  It's crap people.  I like to avoid public interaction as much as possible.  This is not to say that I won't help you if you ask me for it.  I'm just not a fan of the attention.

The scenario today occurred as I was buying a ticket for the subway.  The moment that I stepped up to the machine, I felt this presence over my right shoulder.  Someone just standing there, staring.  It made me more uncomfortable when I realized there were at least three other open ticket terminals.  I was even more frightened when, as I reached down to grab my ticket, someone tapped my shoulder and started speaking Spanish.  I even had my headphones in!  Come on.  I call foul.  I pretended I didn't feel anything but he persisted.  So I popped one of the ear buds out and he starts talking at me a mile a minute.  I pick up the word "ticket" and notice he's holding a coin that looks like a peso.  "Great," I'm thinking "he wants to give me a peso for some real change."  After closer inspection I realize that it's a subway token.  So I ask him if it's one way.  He says "yes."  I show him how to pay for his ticket.  He says "thanks" and I wave and walk away because I can't even say "de nada" without feeling like an asshole.

I don't get how that works.  I helped someone today and I still end up feeling like a jerk.  Weird.  Anyway, seeing as how I'm going to be taking the train a lot more frequently, I foresee this sort of thing happening somewhat regularly.  I've either got to learn to look tougher, or learn how to fake a seizure.  Somehow I think that last one would cause more problems.  Oh well.  

A Mexican looking guy that doesn't speak Spanish.  This is my curse.

- The Bean

Welcome Home!

Or, I guess, welcome to MY home I should say.  I made another vlog.  I never thought I'd use that word, so you have my permission to punch me in the neck the next time you see me.  You should only watch this video if you've got like an hour and a half to kill, because it's long.  Seriously, it's like a movie.  I only had a 1.3 million dollar budget to work with though, so it's nothing special really.

Kidding, of course.  My budget was $0 and the movie is closer to 9 minutes long, which is still pretty lengthy, especially if you find it boring.  Though I don't know why you're always complaining about stuff.  Geez, just watch it.  I'm trying to give you something to help you kill time at work.  Be appreciative.  

I start school next week, so we'll see how regular I can be with the updates and whatnot.  Thanks for taking an interest.  Or, at the very least, thanks for somehow stumbling upon this page and accidentally clicking play.

- The Bean

Rene Goes to Hollywood

No, seriously.  I moved there.  It wasn't all just a bunch of talk like that time I said I'd kill myself if I ever moved to Los Angeles.  I left on Friday October 9th and got here October 10th.  Below I've actually included a small video blog of the trip.  It's pretty dumb and boring but, then again, so are you.  So I don't see what the big deal is.  The trip left me a little beat up.  Oh, and the pill you'll hear me refer to a couple of times in the video is actually something called "ProVigil" which is totally legal (in Mexico).  So here you go:

When I get all settled in, I plan on giving a video tour of the new place.  But be forewarned, my relationship to this apartment is like a kid wearing his dad's suit.  I don't fit quite yet, but I might before too long.

Also, I realize this entry isn't necessarily funny, but as I actually start attending film school, I figure I'll just turn it into a documentation of my experiences.  My guess is that it's gonna last about a week.  Anyway, here's the video.

- The Bean