A Puncher's Chance

So lately Ive been watching a lot of UFC DVDs. If you arent familiar with the Ultimate Fighting Championship, I suggest you get on that right away, because its simply amazing. They throw two dudes inside an eight-sided cage (an octagon, if you will) and allow them to beat the holy hell out of one another. They do this until one of them either quits or is unable to intelligently defend himself, which I think loosely translates to "shits himself as his eyes roll into the back of his skull. " If you think youre not into violence and youre prepared to defend your point of view using intelligent facts and other various bullet points, let me save you a lot of trouble. YOU'RE WRONG. The UFC kicks ass.

Now, I dont know what it is lately that makes me want to watch such a violent (albeit very strategic/intelligent) sport. Call it whatever you want. I didnt get enough attention as a child, my mother didnt hug me enough (though I suggest you dont talk about my mother as youll be quick to catch a size 10 enema), maybe I was picked on a lot growing up and now I must live out the twisted fantasies of payback through others whose profession it is to punch things very hard. The fact remains that I enjoy it very much. My thought is that its because Im not a violent person by nature and, therefore, the only way for me to get my own aggression out is to watch other people do it for me. Personally, I think its healthier than actually fighting WITH someone.

The other cool thing about this particular organization is the nicknames they come up with. If you know anything about me, you know that I have the highest regard for coming up with nicknames. Truly, there is nothing cooler than a good nickname. And the UFC has them in spades (which I think means a lot but Im not sure because Ive never actually successfully used that phrase before). For example, Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell, Randy "The Natural" Couture, "Ruthless" Robbie Lawler, Andrei "The Pitbull" Arlovski, "The Phenom" Vitor Belfort, Chris "The Crippler" Leben, etc. The list goes on and on. And I think that the only real reason that I, myself, am not an 'ultimate fighter' (other than the fact that I cried during the movie Little Giants) is because I dont have a cool nickname. It would seem that the only nicknames that prove fitting for me arent really all that cool or badass. For some reason "The Crier," "Mr. Sensitive," "The Tulip," "The Hemophiliac," "Captain Whanny," and "The Heavy Bag," just dont strike fear in the hearts of men..or I guess even children for that matter.

So for now, Ill just have to bide my time until a great nickname is either thrust upon me, or I find a way to not get a little misty whenever I scratch a mosquito bite for too long. Until then, the UFC will have to quench my insatiable thirst for what I refer to as 'intelligent violence.'

- The Bean