An Open Letter to Whoever Slashed My Tires Last Night

Dearest Whoever Slashed My Tires Last Night,

Fuck you.

Sincerely,
The Bean

No people, seriously, who does this kind of shit anymore? Apparently the same perpetrator hit more than forty cars around my neighborhood last night. It actually even made the news, which would have been cool if they had actually done any of those "man on the street" interviews. See, I always thought it would be funny to try to do a serious interview, but to also pretend like I had tourrets. That way, I could be speaking seriously about the state of our neighborhood crisis and then suddenly shout the word "balls." I mean, granted, I could do this anyway in any real life situation. I actually tend to do this at work a lot when helping customers, which would be funnier if I actually currently had a job.

Yeah, see, that's the other sad part of my saga. My temporary position was up at the beginning of this month. So now I'm supposed to be all adult about things and look for a real job. The downside to the whole thing, and the reason that I'm so against it is because I can just tell that it's going to require some type of effort on my part. And, people, I'm not down. Until then, I'm just gonna sell random shit on ebay because, really, who wouldn't want a half-used Pink Pearl eraser that I still have from seventh grade? I even drew boobs on it! Actually, I just drew the boobs like three days ago, but the buyer doesn't need to know that. Which means that I can use the word "vintage" in my online auction. Rad.

In closing, I'd like to say that the best part of my day was in talking to a friend from Boston. She informed me that her cat, who had NO previous training or experience, 'successfully' pooped in their bathroom toilet last night. I feel it necessary to put half quotes around the word "successfully" because apparently, there was a slight bit of cleanup involved, I assume on the seat (though she didn't go into detail). But it's a cat, people! Give it a little bit of wiggle room.

After hearing that story, I gagged a little bit. But after the gagging, I gained a little bit of hope for this world. Because if a cat of all things can teach itself to use a toilet, then maybe the dumbshits that slashed a neighborhood's worth of tires last night can learn to just eat shit and die.

I weep for the future.

- The Bean