Porn on Television

The following is a commercial that actually aired more than a year ago on television. Please watch it in it's entirety and try not to either laugh or throw up a little bit into your own lap.

Yeah, I know, I know. A friend showed me this clip a while back, and it never gets any easier to watch. It's horrifying, right? No commercial for a children's toy should ever involve a money shot. Period.

What could the marketing department at Super Soaker have possibly been thinking? I'm sure you're wondering too. Well, some people put together a video on YouTube of what they thought it might have gone like. Unfortunately though, given gold to work with, the video falls short of the mark. They even go so far as to call it the "Splooginator." Tell you what, drop the "L" and then we'll talk about what's funny. Good effort though.

Getting back to the marketing meeting, how the hell could you not have seen criticism coming?! They made the substance WHITE for Christ's sake! You're not fooling anyone. At least make it yellow or purple or green so kids think they're shooting alien guts or something at each other. But white? The only way it could be worse is if it smelled like bleach.

I want to know the thought process behind actually creating this gun. "Hey, I know! Let's make a toy for children that you have to pump down at waist level until enough pressure has built up, and then have it aimed and released (or "ejaculated" if I'm not pulling any punches) onto another person's chest and face. Even the guys at NAMBLA were like "Yeah, this is a bit much."

I have no qualms about the overall objective of the gun. You're trying to shoot slime at someone that doesn't want slime on them. That's inherently funny. Always has been. It's like when you were young and you used to throw mud at girls. Or like when you were 12 and you used to EJACULATE ON YOUR BEST FRIEND'S CHEST. Good lord, what were these people thinking!?! I know I've asked that already, but it just continues to defy any type of logic.

I haven't done any further research, but I would assume that this toy has been pulled off of store shelves in an effort not to sully childrens' minds. Save that nightmare for summer camp. It looks like it's back to the drawing board for Super Soaker. I'm not even sure I want to speculate what could possibly be next. All I can say is that it better not shoot warm mud and be shaped like an ass, because seriously people. Seriously.

-The Bean