Fred Meyer is better than Safeway

and here's the single reason why:
u-scan self check out.

before you disagree and decide to send me a strongly worded letter (which i probably wouldn't read anyway), allow me to explain my reasoning. now, i've never done drugs in my life (save for the whole wisdom teeth fiasco) and that's something that i'm very proud of. but i swear, whenever i go to the grocery store on a whim, i have the eating habits and random cravings of a pothead.
take tonight for example. i got back from the store not too long ago with an odwalla citrus monster smoothie, a box of snackwell's cookie cakes, and a 20 oz diet A&W root beer.
i know, right?

but what i hate about safeway is that you've actually got to go through a real human person in order to make it out the front door with your delicious impulse buys. and that's the part that sucks. because despite every checkout person's facade of "i hate my life and all things that are a part of it" you know that they silently judge every person that comes through their line. it's one of the perks of the job. i think they even advertise it in their benefits package.

but i don't want people judging me. sure it's fine if i'm on a healthy kick and i actually want people to see me walking up to the checkout line with my lean chicken and frozen veggies and my flax seed and supplements and organic fruits. hell, i'll even make it a point to actively see that people notice my health conscious choices. leaning next to the person behind me and asking "hey, have you ever tried these?" only to be met with "dude, those are almonds. who hasn't tried almonds?" "i don't know. maybe you've got a food allergy or something. anyway, they're pretty awesome. a little protein, good source of omega 3s. gotta watch my carbs." this time only to be met with awkward silence and the eventual " . . . please stop talking to me."

of course, the other 96% of the time when i've decided to forgo a healthy diet "just for tonight," the last thing i want is judgement. especially if i a) don't have a safeway club card (i don't need you or your damn exclusive club) and b) they're assuming something about me that is absolutely untrue.

let me paint for you a picture if i may. i went into safeway sometime last week because it's two blocks from my house. i was hungry. and it was the kind of hungry that demands immediate satisfaction. so i proceed to gather the following items: a digiorno's frozen pizza (cheese stuffed crust), a 20 oz soda (i think diet pepsi jazz or some other totally manly flavor like that, a box of safeway cookies (which i might add are pretty much required if you frequent safeway), a bag of chips, and a pack of gum.
but the one thing that i didn't get? a lighter. why not? well, because even though i needed one (no seriously, it's for this new magic trick i learned. i swear. i'll show it to you if we ever meet), i thought that this particular item would have put me over the top as far as judgement goes in the eyes of the checkout woman. a woman who would have eventually mangled my last name anyway. i just couldn't do it.

anyway, needless to say, i'm like the king of the freddy's u-scan check out world. i'm not like those jack asses that come up with a cartload of stuff (it says 15 items or less asshole) and then decide that it's best if i pay in loose change and coupons. i got my crappy food, my debit card, and my oven already pre-heating at home. now scan your shit, pack your bags, and shove off. i'm hungry.

short lines, no judgement, amen.

- The Bean