Potpourri 

So you know how sometimes you'll do a burp, but instead of a burp, it makes sort of a gurgling sound and then you get to taste stuff?  Yeah, I just did one of those before I started writing, so I thought I'd share.  

The other day I cut my thumb using the thumbnail of my other thumb.  I wish I could say that I did it while trying to rescue a puppy from underneath a bus, or while rolling a frying pan into a burrito with my bare hands, but I did it trying to get the cap off of some huckleberry body wash.  To be fair, I was gonna use the body wash to blow up a tank, so there's that.

I love the Dog Whisperer.  Seriously, that show rocks my socks.  It's the same exact scenario time after time, but I will never get tired of it.  And it goes something like this.  Dog owner has a problem dog.  Dog owner has tried everything.  Dog is untrainable.  Dog owner is convinced that nothing can be done.  Dog owner calls Dog Whisperer.  Dog Whisperer comes out with 25 cent leash and fixes the dog within 5 minutes.  Dog owner looks on in disbelief.  Mumbles something about "Never thought I'd see that, blah blah blah, etc."  The great thing is that it doesn't even matter what the dog's problem is (it usually ends up being the owner).  Caesar Millan will make you look like a jackass in under ten minutes guaranteed.  Your dog could have murdered people and eaten babies for the last seven years, but you know it's going to be fixed by the end of the show.  I like that consistency.

Have you ever run into a doorframe while trying to exit a room quickly?  Like you'll just clip your shoulder on the way out and it sends you a little off kilter, but you can usually recover from it?  Yeah, I did one of those about a month ago, but I ran into the door frame with the middle of my chest.  I'm still not sure exactly how it happened or what it was that had me excited enough to forget how to exit a room.  (I think there was mention of pizza downstairs or something.)  Regardless, I was still able to recover after only a slight popping sound and some type of muffled grunt.  I'm like a big lovable man child.

Until next time!

- The Bean

I Can See!

So for the first time in 8 years, I decided to get some new glasses. And before you ask, yes, my vision is that unimportant to me.

It's actually quite incredible. You never really realize just how much you couldn't see until you get glasses that work. It's ridiculous. I can see EVERYTHING. I feel like a fucking superhero. Like I can see through time.

Though, I have to admit that when I first put them on and looked in the mirror, I was a little frightened. I guess 8 years of being clinically blind really helped to cement the thought that I had pretty clear skin. When I saw myself again for the first time in so long, I could actually see inside my own face! Huge pores people. Huge. Gross. Let's not talk about it.

Another weird thing is that I can see so clearly now, that if I look in the mirror through my glasses into my eyes on the other side of the mirror through that other set of glasses, I'm pretty sure I can see into my own soul. It's a weird place. It's dark. And it smells like a sock.

Also, before I got these new bad boys, I was convinced that there were only two dimensions. Now it feels like I'm walking around with 3D glasses on (but I obviously don't look as cool as Biff's minion in the first Back to the Future movie).

Is this what you people see like all the time!? Why didn't anyone tell me? You guys are jerks. But lovable jerks.

- The Bean

The Strangest Things I Have Ever Eaten

Okay, so after all the shit talk that came about based on the last two blogs, I feel the need to bring myself down a peg to two.  Certainly I talk a lot of shit whenever there's any type of food that I find to be gross.  However, I'm not exactly innocent when it comes to indulging my own strange cravings.

So here then is a top six list of all the strange foods that I have eaten over the years.  I was gonna go with a top ten list, but I happen to think they're totally overrated . . . Also, I couldn't come up with ten things.  So suck it.

6.  Whey protein powder - (but not by itself.  mixed with a fruit smoothie)  I don't happen to think this one is too weird as it is vanilla flavored and smells like cake batter.  However, this isn't something that normal people do, so I felt it necessary to include.

5.  Milk and pizza - Not mixed together weirdo.  I would have a glass of milk to accompany any type of pizza.  Awesome.  I used to do this regularly.  Sue me.

4.  Part of a blended muffin  - (In my own defense, this was actually Jamie's idea)  We blended a blueberry muffin with a little bit of milk (I think).  This shit sat so heavy in my stomach, that I actually think I pooped  a little during my first sip.  It's debatable though.

3. Lucky Charms with Mountain Dew instead of milk - Freshman year of college.  It was early in the morning and the combination of my laziness coupled with my MacGuyver-like ingenuity gave birth to a horrible horrible breakfast experience.  I thought it would be passable.  I was wrong.  Don't do it.

2.  A glass filled with the following items: Mt. Dew, mashed potatoes, gravy, an orange creamsicle, milk, brownie, and some salt and pepper to taste - To answer your question, yes, it was on a bet.  And to answer your second question, yes, the bet was my idea.  Don't judge me.

1.  A grilled cheese sandwich dipped in ketchup - Come on, I had to throw that in there.  Just to prove a point.  All of the other things on this list I ate willingly.  With that crap sandwich, I was resistant up to and including the point when I took the first bite.  So there's that.  

Cheese + ketchup = cheese and ketchup flavored vomit.  

- The Bean

Traitors

Okay fine.  I lost.  big deal.  To the three people that unknowingly supported my utter disgust in the whole grilled cheese/ketchup debate (Kristy, Lindsay, Dani).  You guys rule.

As for the rest of you (save for Russ who apparently likes to put his sandwiches inside of people), I thought I knew you.  I thought you were my friends.  And I'm not mad at you because you didn't agree with me.  I intentionally made it unclear as to which side I was supporting.  I'm just disappointed that the lot of you would chose to do something so absolutely horrifying to ruin a perfectly good sandwich.  

Hey, I've got an idea for all you sick asses that like cheese and ketchup.  Why don't we take some string cheese, put it inside a hot dog bun, and then slather that with ketchup?  You people sicken me.

Okay okay, I take it back.  I'm speaking out of frustration and anger that I lost this bet which I was so absolutely sure about.  I can't stay mad at you people.  Okay so who wants to cuddle?

I suppose losing the bet isn't ALL bad.  Fortunately I suck at making wagers, so I'm pretty positive that no tangible thing was even being bet.  Therefore, I didn't really lose anything.  We'll just call this one a test run.  But next time . . . . next time people when I give you a choice between two things, please do your best to chose the one that isn't gross and doesn't inexplicably taste like fish sticks.

You all are sick.

-  The Bean

Settle a Bet

I'm going to pose a simple question to all of you.  I'd like you to respond in the form of a comment.  And I'd like you to be completely honest.  There's a lot at stake here.  So here it is:

Have you, at any point in your entire life, ever made a grilled cheese sandwich, dipped it in ketchup, eaten it, and actually enjoyed it?  In other words, have you ever willfully dipped a grilled cheese sandwich in ketchup?

Just leave a comment.  Best of the first 11 responses wins.  Thanks for your time.

- The Bean

A New X-Games Sport?

So I was perusing my spam emails the other day and amidst the ones titled "Enlarge your member" or "Naked teens wet hot meat cam" I saw one that caught me off guard.  You get so many about all the same shit, so they're usually pretty easy to overlook.  But one of them in particular took me by surprise.  It was only three words.  But it was the most horrifying combination of any three words that I had ever seen.  So much so that I couldn't even bring myself to click on it.  It said:

"Extreme cat rape"

WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK IS "EXTREME CAT RAPE?"  I can't even begin to fathom.  Here's the thing that got me the most.  I think it would have been completely sufficient to just write "cat rape" and call it a day.  Cat rape itself seems 'extreme' enough for most people, don't you think?  Who out there, after hearing about or even witnessing the rape of a cat, would be like "You know, that was pretty decent cat rape, but is there anything you could do to make it more extreme?"

Why would you need to state that it's extreme?  Why!?  Did they do some marketing research and find that people just weren't clicking enough on "Cat rape?"  So they thought "You know what I bet it is?  I bet that the majority of people out there feel like forced sex with a cat just isn't enough.  Let's make it more  brutal.  More extreme if you will."  That's the only explanation.

And if you happen to be one of those people that feel the word "extreme" should ever precede the words "cat rape" then maybe you and I shouldn't talk again.  Ever.  About anything.  Sick bitch.

- The Bean

Pillow Talk

So on Wednesday of this week I received what can only be described as "the most comfortable pillow on the face of the earth as well as the face of the heavens or even the torso and back of the heavens, and you know what, any other place that might have pillows for that matter." It's a Tempur-Pedic which, for those of you that don't understand pillow-speak, roughly translates to "fucking expensive." However, it has thus far been worth it.

How can I adequately explain this to you without getting too graphic? Let me put it this way: When resting my head on the pillow, it feels as though the back of my head is being gently fellated by angels. Too graphic? Okay, fine. Suffice it to say it feels like, whenever I'm sleeping on it, the pillow is making love to my head and face. I had a roommate in college who used to try to do that all the time, but I gotta say it was never half as comfortable as this pillow. You see what I'm saying?

Whatever crazy fucking NASA-approved material they put inside this magic bundle bends and molds and shapes to the size and weight of my head. It tends to my every need, much like an attentive lover. The only thing that would make my sleep situation better would be the worlds perfect blanket, which I imagine to be made up of some space age material that would give me an orgasm every time I rolled over in bed.

You know what? Come to think of it, I'd rather just have a person as a blanket. Someone could just lay on top of me and I'd call that good. However, prostitutes costing what they do these days, I'd settle for a free blanket of some sort. You know a good way to get your hands on a free blanket that I believe to be underutilized? Being a bystander at the scene of an accident. You always see it in movies and whatnot, but the people standing around after the accident (or some other traumatic event) has taken place always seem to have these burly wool blankets. I never really understood it. First of all, why do they do that? Does being witness at the scene of a crime affect your body temperature that much? And if so, why not give out mittens and hats as well. Also, depending on the time of year, are the free items adapted to suit the needs of the bystanders? Like if it were really hot out, would you get some ice cold lemonade and a hand held mini fan you could try to stick your tongue into (you know, just to see if it hurts)?

You see people, these are the questions that keep me up at night. And by 'these' I mean 'this.' And by 'are' I mean 'is.' And by 'questions' I mean 'question.' And by 'keep' I mean 'keeps.' And by 'me' I mean 'a friend of mine.'

Anyway, my new pillow is awesome.

- The Bean