Post Office, You So Crazy!

I was at the post office yesterday mailing some crack rock and a bomb when I was accosted with an odd inquiry.  It's not like it was even something new, but it's the first time I really paid attention to the question.  It doesn't matter what you're there to purchase or ship at the post office.  You always get asked the same question before you pay.

"Would you like to buy any stamps today?"

Seems harmless enough, right?  Wrong, idiot!  Come with me as I spin you a tale of why this is the dumbest fucking question they could possibly ask you.  You ready?  Here we go.

Let's say you're at the grocery store.  Let's say you've picked up the items that you require and you head to the checkout counter.  You're standing there as the elderly lady in front of you is, for whatever reason, trying to pay by check.  You figure you've got some time so you start to browse the impulse items.  Nail clippers, breath mints, gum, candy, random tiny toiletries, etc.  "Oh," you say to yourself, "I forgot that I was almost out of gum."  So you grab a pack and check out.  Boom, you're done.  It makes sense.  You went to a store that carries a large variety of merchandise, forgot something you needed while checking out, and were reminded of it before you left.  That's nice.

But at the post office?  EVERY SINGLE PERSON that's visiting that building is there with a specific purpose in mind.  They're either mailing a package, picking up a package, picking up their mail, buying boxes, or buying stamps.  That's FIVE things.  If you need to do two of them on the same trip, I'm guessing you can probably keep that stored in your memory bank for the duration of your visit.  It's not like you're gonna get to the front of the line and be like:

"Damn.  Now I know there were two reasons I came here today.  Let's see... I'm holding this package, so I'm most likely here to send it somewhere.  Fortunately I've already written the address out in full.  But the second reason... The second reason escapes me.  Let me run through the list of things I could possibly do inside this building, of which there are only five... ...Nope, no idea."  

"Would you like to buy some stamps?" the clerk asks.

 "Holy shit, you've done it!" you exclaim.  "Can you dive back into your crystal ball and tell me how to now exit these premises?  ...What's that you say?  The same door I came in?  What kinda wizard...?"

I guess my main point is that I think it's unnecessary for them to ask you.  They've surrounded their little work area with piles of stamps which should be enough of a reminder.  And if that visual subtlety doesn't key your brain into your checklist of post office needs, you probably shouldn't be mailing things to people.  Seriously, someone's gonna get hurt.

Thinking more about it, I'd be willing to bet they ask you that as more of a retaliation than anything else.  Think about it.  How many times in a given day do you think someone walks in there, hands them a package, and says something to the effect of "Yeah, uh, I'd like to mail this." as though the clerk is unaware of what their own job is?

  ...Come to think of it, that's exactly what I did yesterday.  ...Dammit.  It would appear as though I've brought this upon myself.  

Touché post office lady.  Touché.

I Have the Ability to Make Grown Men Cry

Sadly, this includes myself.  Allow me to explain.  About a month and a half ago, I got to do one of the cooler things I've ever done in my life.  I had the opportunity to be a surprise guest at the wedding of a close friend.  If you get the chance, I highly recommend it.

His bride-to-be sent me an email about a month before asking if there was any way I could make it since there was potential for some of his key friends to not be able to make it.  I had already told him I couldn't twice in the past year since I knew I would be busy with school, so he was already sold.  However, a request from the bride seldom goes ungranted.  So I immediately bought a plane ticket and worked out my housing and car situations with some friends.

The plan was for me to show up at the rehearsal covertly and then, when they were practicing the vows, I was to make my big entrance during the whole "If anybody has any objections..." part.  So I did, and it was amazing.  He looked shocked and all the other groomsmen got all choked up.  I got choked up, but avoided actually speaking so I could dodge the whole shaky voice syndrome.  It was pretty great.  The wedding itself the next day was also great.  Easily one of the best ceremonies I've ever seen.  

I know this entry isn't necessarily funny, but I just had to get it out there because whenever I think about it I smile.

Also, I found out that there is no way I could ever be a ninja or a spy.  As I was waiting in hiding, I was giddier than a kid cracked out on caffeine on Christmas Eve.  I couldn't stop giggling.  When most people see a strange grown man giggling to himself hiding under a desk in their own home, they'd probably call the cops.  Thank God I got the right house.  Also, there was a moment when I almost got caught, but narrowly avoided it by diving to the ground (with ape-like agility) and doing a marine crawl into the next room.  I then locked myself in the bathroom.  The things we do for friendship.  Then I tittered some more.  

I couldn't imagine being an assassin of some type.  I'd be hiding in the closet ready to hit someone with a brainstem shot and then I'd chortle or guffaw or emit some other kind of equally retarded laugh, effectively giving away my position.  I'd be useless.

Regardless, Jamie and Jami, thank you for letting me a part of your day.  You two are great.

Breakfast for Dinner

Does that phrase get you as excited as it does me?  If so, I'll allow you a few moments to go and change your underthings.  I know I just peed a little, so I can only imagine what you did ...sicko.

Okay, and we're back.  So, few things in life get me as excited as the simple string of words "Hey, we're having breakfast for dinner."  ("Free pizza!" comes to mind as well as "What are you doing in my apartment?" but both to a much lesser degree).  I don't know if it's because it feels like you're breaking some type of implicit rule of the universe, or what.  It's very name suggests that there's only one time of day you should be eating it and that anything else is just pure insanity!  But no, we cannot be limited, universe.

So like some type of chubby vigilante, I eat whatever type of meal I want regardless of the time of day it's name implies.  Hell, I'll create new mealtime names just to make it right.  And I'm not talking about "Brunch" or "Linner" or anything cute like that.  I'm talking about creating something new altogether.  Something bad ass.  Something like "Dreakfunch."  ...Actually wait, no, nevermind that sounds kind of gross.  I'm a little less hungry than when I started writing this.   

Regardless, I still refuse to obey the meal name/meal time law.  Actually, I also refuse to obey the law of gravity from time to time.  It's true.  I'm that impressive.  It's like crouching tiger style ...but a tiger that's crouching because he's about to pounce, and not because he's about to poo.  That would be far less bad ass.

Anyway, I'm gonna go have a waffle.  It's okay.  Jealousy is a normal reaction in a situation such as this.

To Be Young Again

I'm sure you all remember the oh-so-clever 'riddle' we used to ask each other as kids titled "Pete and Repeat."  If you're not clear on it, the comedy gold went something like this:

Pete and Repeat were in a boat.  Pete fell out.  Who was left?  

You would answer "Repeat" which was the correct answer but, because of the incredibly clever naming of the characters, your 'friend' would intentionally misunderstand and the game would go on and on.  And you'd laugh and laugh and then go eat bugs or sour patch kids or whatever you did as a kid.  Maybe play with your pogs or slap bracelets (as you cleverly put one over your eyes so you looked like that blind guy from Star Trek.  You know the one.  The guy from Reading Rainbow?  Yeah, him.).

The thing I always wondered is why were we so concerned about the guy still in the boat?  Pete's fucking drowning and we're worried about who's already safe?  Where are our priorities people?  More to the point, what kind of assbag friend must Repeat have been to just let his buddy flail around in murky, crocodile-infested waters? (I'm assuming the worst)  I'll bet you to add insult to injury, he used his name to shirk any real responsibility for the situation.  While Pete was fighting for his life, Repeat probably continually shouted "Are you okay?" and would then giddily wait for Pete to shout his name back before repeating the same question a dozen times until poor Pete lost his battle with buoyancy (and those damn crocodiles).  All the while Repeat was probably giggling to himself.  

Between his father, Saywhat, and his mother, Comeagain, they probably had a blast at the deposition.

I hate that entire family.

Huzzah for Bragging

So in the past year or so, every once in a while I've submitted a little one or two line joke to the College Humor website.  They have an article called "105%" where each week they pick what they think are the best submissions and post them for all the world (or the few hundred or so people that frequent their site) to see.  You don't get anything for being picked other than whatever satisfaction you feel comes with it.  For me, it's a lot.  So here's all the stuff I've submitted that has made it, in no particular order.

- They say knowledge is power, but what if you know you're a pussy?

- They say chicks dig scars, but try telling that to the last six women I've stabbed.

- Every camera is disposable if you're apathetic enough.

- Life must suck for people legitimately selling tickets to gun shows.

- Words to Live By:

     Neighbor

     Street

     Cul-de-sac

     Other houses

- I dropped acid for the first time last week.  It wouldn't have been so bad had it not been on my lab partner's foot, and had I not been so high on mushrooms.

I think that's all of them.  Some are more inspired than others, and most are inappropriate because, hey, that's what makes me laugh.  I'll just keep plugging away because every little bit of self esteem helps.  

Tree Huggers Take Note

If money grew on trees, the rainforests could save themselves.

Childhood Memories

When I was six years old my brother convinced me that our dryer was a time machine.  What he failed to mention was that the future involved third degree burns and shit everywhere.

I'm only kidding.  I was four.

Kidding again, he's never actually done anything that mean to me.  Sadly I can't say the same for myself.  When I was five I was a big fan of Popeye, so much so that I actually made my mom buy me a can of spinach.  Let me just say this.  Spinach or no, there are few seven year olds in this world that can withstand taking a pair of knees to the stomach while lying on the couch trying to watch Fraggle Rock.  Mom threw away the rest of the spinach and I came away with the realization that you can do anything if you put your mind to it...especially if the person you're doing it to isn't paying attention.

Inspirational words, I know.